The Life of Stewie
by metallicanirvana
Summary: An fan of Family Guy will love this story. R
1. Introduction

A/N: Ok it's a story about Stewie, nothing special there. My first non slash... this is really an introduction chapter... most of it has no real plot and the jokes suck. Yeah it's almost like the show.

Hi, I'm Stewie and I'm the typical homicidal talking infidel. This story is about me although there are other people in it… Louis, Brian… Fat man!!! Me and Louis go way back, I used to live in her uterus once, a lot of bad memories. Fat man and I go back as well, I used to be inside his penis once and those were fun memories.

I have tried to kill my mother 993 times in my short life although it's nothing compared to what she has done to me.

"Oh sweetie you got a temperature!!"

"Ah get off me vial woman, I am trying to tell a bloody story," You can see what I mean can't you? Her hands are always all over me, can't I file for rape? I mean just because in the 60s it was ok to have sex with your family doesn't mean it still is.

"You need to go to sleep,"

"Leave me alone dirty moo cow, I am trying to do a freaking introduction here, how else are these nerds and slash or homosexuals going to find out about me?"

"You're obviously got a fever honey, why don't you get some sleep?" Sleep? Ha!! I thought it was a question but she forces me into the bed with no remorse and closes the curtains.

"You twisted fiend I will have my revenge on you one day," It wasn't even about her forcing me into bed like some hooker Quagmire is going to fuck. More or less I hate Louis because she is a vile woman. I think she has a penis. Oh I called you guys nerds and homosexuals, well don't get too annoyed, I mean you are reading aren't you? Don't stress, my sister Meg is both.

I was supposed to tell you about myself weren't I? Well my best friend is Rupert the teddy bear, oh yes me and him have had a lot of adventures in the bed. Not the kind my parents do however, it's apparent that they like wrestling. I had walked in on them one night and it seemed as if the fat man had Louis in submission. She was screaming as if it fat man was stabbing her in the back. I just assume fat man won, although Louis is hard to defeat as I have learnt in my many attempts to kill her.

"Hey kiddo, you okay?" Brain the "loveable" family pet just walked into my room and asked a question he hasn't ever meant. He doesn't care about me at all and even though we have been comrades in certain adventures, I and he are mainly enemies.

"What do you care? Cat got your tongue? HA!"

"That wasn't really funny; anyways you might need to go see the doctor,"

"Excuse me what? Did you just imply one of my jokes wasn't funny? Perhaps you will get AIDS you filthy homosexual."

"Firstly I am not a homosexual, I got a girlfriend last week… you don't remember Jewel?"

"HA! You're having sex with jewellery,"

"How dare you!! I came up here to really make sure you were okay and you dare say things like that. I'm still a virgin!!" I laugh out at this, I am not sure if I should believe that or not.

"You a virgin? A seven yr old virgin, well the typical age for getting laid in the 21st Century is eight… go fuck your girl and leave me to finish my introduction." Anyways I got many hobbies other than trying to kill my mother. I read books. I think my favourite book is the one with the girl and the bears and the bears rip the flesh off of the girl. That's what every child's book should be like, although I did read a rather interesting one about a puppy get its head blown off.

I also like music, I mean who doesn't? My favourite song would have to be the wheels on the bus go round and round. To me the song is about killing your mother so that's probably why I like it. Oh I like watching the T.V, especially Blues Clues. I find the dog to be quit comical, especially when he blew Steve's head the fuck off and starting having sex with it. A good laugh for all ages really.

You're probably wondering what this story is about, well your just going to find out aren't you? This might be the first chapter but there isn't going to be any plot revealed, mainly because the writer is too lazy to have a story with a plot. What is this? A FOX show?

"Honey, its okay it's only mummy," My mother re-enters my room; she kind of sucks the happiness out of everything. Not the only think she sucks but I don't feel like going into unnecessarily detail. If this was a story about fat man then you can have all the random bullshit your flab desires but till then put a cork in it you fucking cow.

"No it's not okay, where the hell have you been? Feed me!!!!" She ignores my commands for a lunch while she drags me out of the room.

"What the hell do you think your doing?"

"Its okay sweetie," She cuddles me annoyingly but it's kind of nice times.

"Your skin feels good mummy, what's the moisturizer you're using? I bet it could make my skin feel at least 6 months younger." This lady is still the despicable whore she has always been but I think it's much more fun when she is doing something good, like loving me. I bet the fat man and Brian is going to be jealous to see all the attention the bitch is giving me. I fall asleep in my mother's arms only too be re-awoken in a place that isn't home.

The room has a certain eerie feeling and the light is quiet bright however the room still feels like it is dark. There are strange, sharp objects lying on a table, almost as if there are used for torture. Has the vile woman and fat man finally lost their minds and given up the one person in their house that isn't an imbecile? It seems like it, there are no signs of either of them. The door suddenly swings open and a man in dressed in white with a mask on enters. His very presence sends shivers down my spine. I must escape this place, its worst than watching Friends repeats again.


	2. You smell good

"Well that's all little fella," Said the doctor in a charming way. I sat on the desk cold and sexually abused. I see the door open and see someone who I though I would never be happy to see….

"Mummy!!! I mean Louis,"

"Is he okay Doc?"

"He shall be just fine,"

"How dare you!!! That man lifted up my shirt and put a cold device on it, no doubt to suck out my semen," I tell her off the actions this masked stranger had taken towards me.

"That's not sexual abuse little fella, that's a doctors check up when your sick," The rapist says before I slap him hard on the face.

"You do not have the right to speak to me, the police will hear about this," I bark at the ignorant deceiver.

"Don't worry he is just cranky, he shall be fine in about a week," The "doctor" says. Louis takes me out of the room before I can complain about him mislabelling me as cranky. You think I'm cranky I remember watching this everybody loves Raymond episode.

Deborah: Honey would you please just take out the trash?

Ray: Shut the fuck up bitch.

Now that's cranky in my opinion but who could blame him, his mother is almost as bad as mine. Louis straps me to the car and she drives off.

"You know vile woman, I was actually happy to see you for once," I lamely admit to the whore that mated with my father in order to create me. I'm not sure who that was worst for….

"Oh you're adorable when you got the flu,"

"HA! You are adorable when your dead!!!"

"That's not a very nice thing to say, you hurt mummy's feelings,"

"No mother of mine would have allowed me to be examined in such a way, you are nothing but a dirty slut like Paris Hilton"

"Please Stewie, Paris Hilton doesn't even get milk squeezed into hers," I have no idea what she means by that but I realise I am hungry.

"Feed me!!!"

"But I had just given you food before we left," I can't remember if this is true but I don't have time to protest as she shoves me back into my crib and gives me a kiss and says goodnight. She thinks that's going to make me go to sleep? Oh I do feel a little drowsy though.

-

A week had past and even though I didn't feel any different, my family believe I was healed of some flu. It's weird I have had the flu before but it wasn't like that, all I did was sneeze once or twice this time and swallow some horrible liquid that vile woman fed me. I escape my bedroom to see that the obese child and dirty moo cow were preparing to leave for school. Meg had seen me and automatically picks me him and starts hugging and kissing me.

"Get off of me; Are you some sort of a paedophile?" I say before I slap her and accidentally smash her glasses.

"Stewie, that's a bad boy," My foolish mother as she comforts her crying daughter.

"Oh relax, at least now, no one will pay any attention to your moustache or pounds of fat," She continues to cry but fat boy seems to be losing his patient.

"Hurry up, we are going to be late…."

"Not like you learn anything anyways wide load," Chris starts crying at my comments, jeez who is the baby here?

"Into the car both of you," Louis forces them into the car as they wipe the tears out of their eyes. No wonder they don't have any friends.

"Real smooth," The talking mutt had been silently watching the whole commotion.

"Oh and I guess your going to give my a speech about love and what ever stupid lyrics you heard from that U2 C.D"

"Hey, Hey, I only listened to that C.D once before smashing it,"

"What would force you to listen to a U2 C.D in the first place?"

"Your totally right I mean they are almost as bad as your songs,"

"Hey, that's offensive, U2 suck but come on… Mary had a little lamb, Jingle bells, The wheels on the bus go round and round, they are classics…"

"I won't say classics,"

"Oh really? You measure them by commercial success?"

"No way, if I did I would have a bunch of Elvis Presley C.D,"

"Oh don't even get me started on them," Before Brian got to continue this nonsensical conversation, the last griffin walked into the room by forcing his flab through the kitchen door.

"I made a poopy," Said Peter before laughing his childish laugh.

"Good progress that, I bet that's what the mother of George Bush said when he was born"

"Senior or junior?" Peter asks in his quest for more knowledge.

"Does it matter?"

"Guess not," Replies the dim witted fat oaf. I don't feel like spending the day talking to these people and I make my way to the street known as Spooner St. Instantly my ears are filled with orgasms from Glen Quagmire and a hooker, my eyes see a negro man and a crippled man talking to each other in conversation.

"Where you off to sport?" The annoying dog closes the door to my house.

"None of your business,"

"I promised Louis I would keep watch on you while see did some errands,"

"Well I don't need a watch dog,"

"You just need a hug," Brian deeply embraces me in a bear hug for no reason.

"Get off me!!! Hey your fur feels rather smooth, what kind of shampoo you been using?"

"Oh my own," I rest my football shaped head onto his masculine body and feel the softness of his fur.

"Oh you really got to tell me how to make it,"

"Well first I get a picture of Louis and then go down into the basement."

"To do what?"

"What do you think?" No one had explain that to me but it is apparent that whatever he does in the basement helps him create some kind of gel or shampoo the makes his fur soft.

A/N: Ok I'm sorry for having another chapter that went no where… next chapter I will start on a plot.


	3. Rupert won't die!

The sunlight hit my eyes, waking me up and causing me to be blinded with rage.

"Damn sun, I will kill you," This sun is unforgivable, worst than that episode of Futurama I watched.

Fry: Hey Leela want to go out?

Leela: No

Fry: Oh ok, What about now?

I awake and run down the stairs to see that my family is glued to the television.

"Oh my gosh I can't believe Joey said that,"

"Dad you watched friends for like a week straight and Joey always says Whatcha doin'?"

"The T," The meaningless conversation stopped when I cleared my throat.

"Oh Stewie, you up already?" My darling bitch of a mother asks.

"Am I up already? Yes I'm fucking up today," She embraces me in a deep hug and for some reason it feels colder than usually.

"Someone is cranky,"

"You think this is cranky? YOU THINK THIS IS CRANKY? What about the Jews?"

"_Jews sure are cranky,"_

"_Sure are,"_

"_There woman are vile and their diseased children are rotting the minds of purity," Hitler says before storming out of the room._

"_Do you even understand what he says?"_

"_No, but I think someone needs a happy meal,"_

"_It's the 1940s, the only happy meal is a child of Jewish heritage,"_

"_You eat Jewish children?"_

"_Yeah, yeah, I mean don't you?"_

"_No I don't fucking eat Jewish children what is wrong with you?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Do you know where it's been?"_

"_Well it's one of the ones bred in the camps for experiments,"_

"_You could catch the jewiness, oh dude not cool , not cool, eating a Jew will only lead to Erectile dysfunction."_

"Well it's time for breakfast," Louis says as the family slowly make their way to the dinning room with their eyes glued to the T.V.

"Oh jeez, the eggs look over cooked Mum," The fat oat of a son says as he swallows down the food that ignorant woman has raped out.

"I like Saturdays the best, Monday to Thursday is just lame, Friday is lame but you know you get to relax the next day and Sunday is just when I remember I forgot to do my homework cause I was relaxing the day before,"

"Shut up Meg," The fat man says as he gulps down his food as if he was some sort of animal-like creature.

"You people never care what I got to say," Meg runs up to her room in tears.

"Anyone going to eat that?" My father asked after he had taken her plate and put his saliva all over it.

"Peter, look at what you did, we all know Meg is a loser but couldn't we just pretend to like her?"

"She is like a disease that doesn't go away, now I know what it's like to have Cancer," The adults seemed to be enjoying the degradation of Meg. I decided to go up and check on my sister to see if she was okay, I open the door to see her lying on her bed crying.

"Hey bitch, you're ugly and flat," I giggle like a young teenage girl as I run into my room.

"That wasn't very nice," My bedroom door is suddenly opened and a white cuddly little dog walks in.

"Oh shut up Brian, I don't need advice from the family's mutt,"

"Hey, hey, don't call me names you little bed wetter, that's it, I was waiting for your parents to open their eyes and discipline you but I guess I'll do it myself,"

"What the hell?" The snoopy-like dog gave a little chuckle before he disappeared down the stairs. He must be super high to try to discipline me, I wonder what kind of drugs he is doing. Bono is always super high, helping the starving children of the world? Ha! Maybe you should spend more time on trying to make good music.

"I'm going out," No one seemed to hear me or care as I walked out of the house and their eyes were glued to the T.V. I got my tricycle and Rupert decided to come along for the ride.

"Where to Rupert?"

"The park," My cute little teddy bear responded as I made for the park, it seemed a little empty today. I went on the slide and on the way down something caught my eyes, a man with a black hood had suddenly appeared.

"Oh death, it's just you, gave me quiet a scare,"

"Didn't think I would see you for a while Stewie but I'm here to take Rupert," I screamed out loud, did he just say he was going to take Rupert?

"I'm sorry Stewie, his life is up,"

"Wait, Wait, I'll do anything, don't take Rupert, Take Louis instead, Take Louis!! Take Louis," The tears started to run down my cheeks, they were fast and cold. There is no way this is happening.

"Anything you'll say?" I didn't like the happiness in his voice, it was creepy, Justin Timberlake type creepy. I was afraid of death for the first time today, it was almost like listening to a Justin Timberlake C.D.

"Well I guess anything is going a little far but hit me with your best shot,"

"We'll we need some help in the academy,"

"What academy?"

"The grim reaper academy,"

"What we only ever saw you,"

"Cause I'm the only grim reaper brave enough to come to a crap town like this,"

"Fair enough, so I get to be the grim reaper?"

"A grim reaper, a training grim reaper, you can only kill those on your list,"

"Oh damn, I could have had so much power, I could have finally killed that bitch of a mother,"

"What are you on about dude, you tried to kill your mother? Not cool, Not cool,"

"Well I bet you killed your mother,"

"yeah but it was my job,"


	4. Up at dawn!

"Wake up Stewie," Damn I hate being woken up almost as I hate every chapter having me sleeping. Can't the writer use his fucking brain and think of something original?

"Oh it's you, what are you smiling about?" Brian had woken me up at about 4 am, an ungodly hour.

"Well it's time to prepare you for your training," I was shocked that the dog knew about this.

"Who told you?"

"Death of cause, Death the master of the grim reapers and I are good friends,"

"Shut up you, You diseased fur ball, you are not to mention this to the rest of this idiotic family,"

"So self-centred you are, well get up?"

"What for?"

"I'm going to get you started on your training, I promised death all ready not to tell the rest of the family,"

"Your going to train me? Ha!"

"We'll I have a masters in demon magic, homicide and scythe fighting, you shouldn't under estimate me," What the hell is he on about? Once again I am confused by the ramblings of an inferior being.

"We'll if your not going to get up by free will," We seem to use some kind of mind power and I'm lifted up into the air. Brian leaves the room and exits the house and I watch helplessly as I follow him. I can't help but think that this is his plan to discipline me.

"Here take this," Brian digs into the ground and pulls out some sort of sword and hands it too me. The sword is nearly twice as big as me.

"What the hell man, what am I going to do with a sword so big and heavy?"

"I guess you are just an infant but it's the standard training sword," I doubt that he could even swing this blood thing.

"Well what are we suppose to be doing out here anyways? It's so fucking cold I rather listen to the new Linkin Park C.D."

"Woah don't push it, it might be cold but you rather listen to the new Linkin Park C.D? Your freaken insane Stewie,"

"I guess I did push that one a little far, perhaps I'll rather watch the new Die hard movie,"

"What is wrong with you Stewie?"

"Oh that too much too? Well I rather be doing something else okay? Let's do what ever we are hear to do,"

"Fine," Brian start's reciting something, it's like a low pitch chant and suddenly a 3ft dog comes out of the ground.

"Tonight's challenge is easy, just kill the dog,"

"Your telling me to kill a cute little black puppy? Couldn't you just summon Britney Spears or something?" I spoke too fast, the little cute puppy shot out a beam of fire at me and I was just able to hide behind the sword. A flame proof sword, now that's something you'd except to be made in China.

"Swipe at it Stewie," Brian was cheering for me for once although I wasn't sure how I was going to slash it with a sword that's so heavy. I can only lift twice my body weight, this thing ways at least 4 times my body weight. I didn't have time to think about how to cut it since the dog decided to charge for me.

It's sharp teeth dug into the flesh on my left leg and I was in extreme pain.

"You want to play do you?" I pull out my laser gun and shoot it in the head.

"How about that Beetch?" Brian let out a little groan.

"What? Did you want me to be killed you bastard?"

"No, the whole point of the training was to kill it with the sword,"

"Well the sword is too bloody heavy,"

"Get stronger," This was his final words for the night as he returned to the basement of the house and got a picture of Lois out.

Who the hell does he think he is? Get stronger? How am I going to do that? Last time I went to the gym I was thrown out for my steroid use. Stupid dogs, if they had any brains then their weenies wouldn't go in when they stood up.

"Stewie, honey, what are you doing out here?" Lois the man whore questions me.

"Oh me? I'm just hanging you know how it is,"

"Come in Stewie, it's cold outside,"

"I know it's fucking cold you dirty whorenis" I enter the house, partly dragged in by Lois but I run up the stairs escaping her vision or something. You know, I don't really think I have any idea what I am talking about sometimes.

I decide to go to sleep, how fucking original is that? Ending a shit and pointless chapter with going back to bed? We need a new writer, one that has a fucking clue what he is doing.


	5. Mad Dog

I activated my clone bot while exiting the house with Brian. My parent's musten know of the secret life i live now, i don't know anything worst than having parents.

"So what is this place again?"

"It's a training area for all you wannabe grim reapers, death might be the main guy but he was too busy at one stage and decided to make a school to train others to do his dirty work for him,"

"Don't you dare call me a wannabe you imbile, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Kerry King are wannabes... i am not you diseased dirty snoopy-like dog,"

"Calm down, Kerry King isn't a wannabe, just a loser,"

"Ain't no king of mine for sure," I reply to him thinking of Slayer's annoying solos, sure it's fast but there is no techinque.  
I guess it's what having sex with Patrick Strump would be like. What kind of name is that anyways? He should get a proper name before attempting to do music, Fall out boy suck quiet truthfully.

I relax my head on the seat of the car as we approach a lake i never saw before, perhaps because i haven't been in this area of Quahog.

"What are you doing? your going to drive in the lake,"

"Yeah that's the point," I start screaming, i'm in the car with a mad dog, he speeds up as the car suddenly starts falling into the cold water and i can feel the cold winds of death next to me. Brian continues driving into what seems to be an underwater tunnel. My eyes twitch in suprise when i see what is on the other side.

"Is that a whole freaken village?" I ask as i see what looks like a small village of people dressed in dark robes holding sharp scythes.

"That's the school moron,"

"Oh... well why are they dressed like that?"

"The scythe gives you, your powers, with it... you can touch someone and they will die, without it you just another infant,"

"Ha-ha!! well your just a dog, what about the black robes"

"Blacks robes are cool,"

"No they aren't, for fudgesticks sake, your about as cool as Simple Plan,"

"Aww that's just too mean, you go way to far with your jokes... simple plan are not only canadian but also french, that's worst than having sex with your grandma."

We stopped talking and I entered the school, the other side of the tunnel seemed relatively dry but the bigger mystery was how Brian was able to drive underwater.  
Must be a dog thing or something. Brian waves me goodbye and leaves, i have no idea how long i am going to be here for and i feel that this was a big mistake.

"You must be Stewie Griffin,"

"Yeah and you are?"

"Wolfgang Krash, your division's leader," The statement has many confusing aspects but the one that puzzles me the most is his name, what kind of name is that?

"Well just how long am i?"

"Your just on your first 5 day assessment,"

"WHAT!!!!!"

"Silence your self Stewie, 5 days goes really fast in a place like this,"

"This better be worth it you freaken Nazis," 


	6. I saw her face and accidentally vomitted

My eyes are awoken by a bright flash of light and marching. As the picture slowly gets clearer I realize that one of the classes were doing some kind of exercise involving bright lights. I exit my shit shack of a current home and run to my "class".

"What the deuce?" It looked like a normal classroom with desks and tables and chairs. Oh come on, I was expecting something a little better, maybe a couple of swords and a gun or something.

"Stewie, your late,"

"Yeah well not that late," I foolishly say knowing these teachers are nothing but dirt sucking hornbags.

"Take your seat; I assume you got your timetable,"

"Yeah but what are all the codes, what is this? Scream 3? It's all flash and all but no one can really see the purpose of this time table, too many codes,"

"Well don't worry about that, you'll pick up,"

"That's the same thing they said to Anna Nicole Smith and now she's DEAD!!!" I take a seat next to some pretty blonde.

"….Olivia?" I was shocked to see that the pretty blonde was really the cheating slut of a thousand violated wombs.

"I thought I set you on fire,"

"Oh… yeah…. Well your dad saves us, he urinated on the fire so… anyways you look great,"

"You too," I say before turning a bright red color, damn it don't you wish you were black sometimes just so you couldn't blush?

"You two be quiet, we are here to do theory work on slaying and killing and murdering not play hanky-panky." Bet he doesn't get any in the crib is why he is dissing me and my girl or whatever the ghetto blasters would say in a position like this. These new kids are really annoying, this generation seems to be about shooting up your hoe or killing yourself with a blunt knife by slitting your wrists. Kids!!!

Class is slow and boring and I already knew all of these murdering techniques. My mother is such a smart whore; she was able to defend herself somehow against most of these techniques.

"Class is over," I can't help but show a hint of glee. That was more boring than World of Warcraft. Why do I even know what that is?

"What you want to do Stewie?" I was shocked when Olivia asked me that but I responded by slapping her in the face and running off.

"Hey you're mean," She responds but I'll tell you what's mean, running off with some other faggot will I'm trying to get to your uterus. I had plans you know but apparently you never find out what it feels like to be fucked by a real man.

I return to my dorm, I realize I only got a few days here so I might as well start preparing to leave and to go home to my disease-filled family plus the talking mutt of a dog.


	7. Time to go back to home

A/N: I only started this as a side project to my south park and The Simpson's fanfic but I think I'm going to start treating this like a proper story…..

"Awh thank God you're here you flea carrying bitch,"

"Hey, hey, I'm a guy, my mum was a bitch and my grandma but I am a guy," I ignore the fact that he sitting naked and I still can't see his penis. I am just happy to see the red car again and be getting out of this hell hole, I bet this is worst than what Saddam Hussein is going through

"_Go on Saddam, go for it," Hitler says to one of his best friends as he drinks another bottle of Lemon Juice. _

"_Alright, Alright but remember this is Satan's Whore, so what I'm about to do might get me punished,"_

"_Awh stop being just a puss, if it was back in the 40s I would had you in a camp for all your bitching,"_

_Saddam ignores that comments of his best friends and walks up to a whole dressed in basically nothing. Anna Nicole Smith was the newest celebrity to be in hell although there are rumours Britney Spears or Osama might be shot soon. Wouldn't really call them celebrities, more or less they are both very dirty men._

"_Hey, Anna, I was just wondering… you know how it's in hell, it's so hot in here but uhh I was wondering… if you were really a guy?" Saddam can hear Hitler say to the bartender I can't believe he just said that and also asking for more Lemon Juice._

"_This is real German Lemon Juice, like the good old 40s huh," _

"_Uhhh, yeah I am actually a guy, me and Satan are in a homosexual relationship, did you really think he would be straight?" Saddam is enlighten by the fact Satan is gay but even more excited when Anna Nicole Smith strips down slowly and reveals a 1 and half inched penis. Saddam feels a little embraced that he little knob isn't any where near the size of that but he just starts sucking._

"_What are you going Saddam I thought you were mine," Says Hitler._

"So how did training go Stewie?" Brian asks as he starts to drive away and out of this God forsaking camp.

"Well everything was political, can't go wrong politics, can't really go right with politics either. Anyways they gave me a proper size training sword and I saw that bitch Olivia."

"Didn't you burn that whore? Also they gave you a tiny blade, how precious,"

"Shut up dog, at least I never had fleas,"

"Hey, Hey, you promised you would keep that quiet, anyways how did that cash scam go?"

"Oh…. Uhhh…. Great you know, yeah, how's that novel," I quickly changed the subject because my cash scam business was a complete failure almost like panic at a disco! I mean it wasn't that much of a failure; I did get some money out of it…

"_Dude, play another song?"_

"_You know I really can't play this thing, this guitar is just for show,"_

"_Damn it, we are Panic at the disco! Just cause we can't play our instruments and sing doesn't mean we won't try to ruin the music industry with our filthy emo rubbish," The crowd continues to boo and throw bear bottles at them._

"Oh I completed the novel quiet a while ago, I released it like a couple of months ago you never heard?"

"No,"

"Really, it was quiet a success, I even got to have an interview with Oprah while you were in camp,"

"What? I used to have respect for that woman once,"

"I never liked her but I was offered cash so yeah, I went, you should still read my book,"

"I feel torn as if I had been in the centre of too black holes, I am unsure if I should go with one of the most intelligent woman on T.V or my loathe against you,"

"You know there aren't a lot of woman on T.V… and those that are high school preps that dropped out…" I wasn't really listening to Brian; my thoughts were on returning home and talking to my wretched family once again. It was going to be hell just because I disliked the camp doesn't me I like home.

"What are you doing? We are going 61 at a 60,"

"Calm down Stewie it's only 1 over the speed limit,"

"You think this is a joke?"

"It's only 1 mph over the speed limit, it's a motorway,"

"A motorway with a 60 mph speed limit,"

"Yeah that is a bit weird isn't it?"

"I meant obey the law!!!!"

"Way, Anarchy is a lot cooler; just think the sex pistols,"

"Well your not that cool Brian, you're a good, a white dog, you're haunting the car with your whiteness,"

"Oh, not this again, great, great, you know if your going to do this again our trip home will be silent,"

"I'm fine with that, stupid Snoopy like dog; I actually liked Snoopy though," The car drives speeding at least 2 mph over the limit as we make our way back to Quahog, a place I was happy to not be in for nearly a week.

I was soon in a family place, Spooner St and I could see my home grow closer.

"Oh by the way I powered your clone down this morning, so I said I took you to the park…"

"Smart excuse, couldn't you just say you took me to a porn shop?"

"No, that's shit, you're an infant, and how do you even know what that is?"

"I don't know, I just Peter and Quagmire talking about a porn shop,"

"Oh… well you know Peter and Quagmire, they are mentally retarded and insane," The car pulls up and I see the door half opened. I jump out of the car and make my way to the house to see my family.

"Well it's great to be Home," No one pays any attention to me as their eyes continue to stay glued to the T.V.

"Well you'll all burn in hell, except Meg, your not good enough for hell… HA!" I rush into my room to see a friend I had to leave behind.

"Rupert, oh I missed, gosh you put on a little weight, can't even see your abs that much," I guess he got depressed and started eating lots because I went away, you know how lovers uhh I mean best friends can get. Gosh he is just like Nick Cannon, I mean niggas are okay but Nick Cannon is like a Super Nigga, like Super Dirt. It's so disgusting even emos would finally get enough balls to shoot themselves.


	8. Kill Barney the dinosaur!

-1The dog comes out of basically nowhere and interrupts my reading session. It's not every day you get terrific literature such as Robin Hood. I can't believe a criminal could be so famous… well I guess I am forgetting about Bonnie and Clyde.

"Stewie, you got your first mission,"

"Well it's about time, I wonder if it's killing Louis, oh please let it be killing Louis,"

"Ah… no… it's not killing your mother, after this I think we are going to get you some therapy kiddo,"

"Oh shut up flea bag and tell me what my mission is,"

"You must kill Barney the dinosaur, he is going to be in town next week,"

"You've got to be fucking joking me, I'm not doing it."

"What do you mean your not doing it?"

"I couldn't kill Barney, he is like one of my idols, are you saying it's not sick to kill the person… well dinosaur you idolise?"

"It's your job, plus there are much more sick things than killing your idol?"

"Like woodland Christmas critters killing your idol, then raping them and pissing all over them?"

"Well your quiet strange aren't are you Brian, but I'm not going to do it,"

"Look your first mission is always the hardest, the academy give their students an idol or someone special to kill,"

"Why couldn't it be mummy instead?"

"Cause you hate Louis, anyways you got a week, just thought you should know," I never thought I would realise this but being death sucks. You don't get to kill anyone you want to kill and have to kill your idols. Why couldn't it have been Louis, Fuck this shit, I'm not doing it.

"Woah, Woah, what the hell you doing kid?" The dog asks as I continue to watch T.V, my favourite show Barney the dinosaur is on.

"Watching T.V,"

"Aren't you going to train up?"

"For what?"

"Killing Barney!!"

"I thought I made it perfectly clear that I wouldn't do it,"

"Look if you don't pass your first mission, I will be ordered to take you out,"

"WHAT??"

"I'm going to come completely clean with you, I made you join the academy because the numbers of soul rippers were at an all low and I thought you would be perfect for the job. Maybe I was wrong,"

"Yup, you were wrong," I continue watching Barney and it's not till Brian sits down next to me that I start paying attention to him again. 

"But if you don't kill Barney, I will be ordered to kill you because your weak,"

"Woah, Woah…. Hold up just a minute, Stewart Gilligan Griffin is anything but weak, I just don't want to kill my idol,"

"Suit yourself, I must kill you in a week,"

-

"Hello Kids, I'm coming to Quahog and if you want to be my friend then you can enter a contest and come and play with me," I watch the T.V carefully. I could kill him and complete my mission or I could die and let him live. If he lives he can at least inspire people of the next generation and so on. If I do kill him no way am I using that scythe. Modern technology is really pathetic, I rather do it the old fashion way with laser guns and robots.

"Stewie, look what daddy got you," He shows me a ticket and on closer inspection I can see it's one of the tickets that will allow me to go to Barney's show.

"Well done fat man, how did you do it?"

"Well daddy committed a crime, I kicked Barney in the balls and ran off with one of the tickets, you probably could see me do it in the latest add he has released," I switch to channel 4 and see that scene he was talking about.

"Wow your such a good fat man,"

"Hey, Hey it's not all fat, most of it is muscle,"

"Yeah too bad you got so much fat it doesn't really matter,"

At least now I can go to Barney's show and even if I do kill him, I can spend the last few hours of my idol's life with him. I'm not entirely sure if it's right to kill Barney. Oh fuck it, I have been given a mission and I must complete it. I'm not going to die for some feudal purple dinosaur. No way, fuck the dinosaur… death to the infidels.

-

Today's the day I guess, the day I get to meet and kill my hero. I pack my school bag with laser guns and other useful weapons.

"Hey Kid, you forgot something," Says the drunk dog before I exit the house. He hands me my death reaper robes and my scythe.

"What am I going to do with these?"

"You'll need them,"

"No, I won't…"

"Just trust me on this okay, I've done this before," I grab the robes and scythe and shove it into my bag.

"Wear the robes stupid,"

"Are you kidding me? You want me to go on national T.V looking like a freak?"

"Of cause, otherwise his soul could harm you more than needed when it's out of the body,"

"Wait… What?" He doesn't reply to my short question and instead slams the door in front of my face and locks it. I grab my tricycle and I start driving towards the studio.

"Hey Stewie, I love the way you pimped out your tricycle,"

"Yeah I know, it's totally hippie and gangs, where you off to Olivia,"

"The studio where Barney is going to be,"

"You better not be pulling my noise maker if you know what I mean, I'm off to the same place and I been giving my first mission, kill Barney."

"You can't kill Barney…."

"I have too, the dawg back home said I hadn't to do it or the academy would kill me," We park our tricycles in the tricycle parking zones just outside studio 6. We walk into to see Tom Tucker masturbating furious on the announcers table.

"Hi kids, can you tell Diane she is suppose to be screwing me while my wife is still in Fiji,"

We walk to the area where they are setting up for Barney's show. I take a quick glance around the studio, only me, Olivia, Barney and Tom. I could kill him before the show, that way I won't have to go on national T.V in these stupid dress robes. Also no witnesses since Tom is furiously touching his penis and ass at the same time. I wonder if he is one of those homosexuals.

"Hello Barney,"

"Hello kids, I hope your ready to have some fun, F..U..N.. that spells fun," I grab my laser out of my bag and shoot him. Head shot, his brains splatter on the wall and his body falls down. Well that wasn't so hard was it….

"Look out Stewie," Olivia pushes me out of the way as the fast moving blue thing attacks me. I land hard on the floor and I look up at the blue thing and on a closer inspection I can see that it's Barney's spirit.

"Hello kids, it's time to die," He grabs Olivia and starts thrashing her body across the wall.

"Wow some of this is make me horny,"

"Stewie, you got to hit him with your scythe," No one told me that but I grab my little scythe and swing at Barney's ghost. It was floating too high so I missed horribly. I'm only 3ft something, how the fuck am I meant to hit a ghost that is floating 10ft above the air? Oh wait I know how. I put on my schoolbag and push a button on the side. The schoolbag slowly transforms into a jet and I fly towards the spirit that is holding Olivia hostage.

"Die you monster," I swing my scythe at the spirit but it moves to quickly and my scythe gets stuck into the wall. I try to pull the scythe out but the ghost whips it's tale at me. I slam hard against the wall and fall to the ground. Well this is fucking lame, I am on the ground without any strength and Olivia is about to die. I thought Barney's ghost would be nicer but it's apparent a faggot.

"Get up Stewie," Brian comes out of no where and grabs my scythe out of the wall and hands it too me. I am of cause in a critical state so I can't really do anything. Brian holds out his right hand and there is a huge bolt of lightning the comes out of it and attacks the Barney ghost. Olivia falls sharply to the ground.

"Get up Stewie,"

"Hey man, no one said anything about fighting a ghost, can't you see I'm done for?" Brian signs deeply and puts his hands over my body. A bright flash of light appears and I close my eyes. I was afraid that he might have killed me with his lightning but I was revived.

"How the hell did you do that?"

"Stewie, shut up and slice your hero," I fly up once again and swing my scythe at Barney. The blade slices him from the head to the toe. His body is slowly disappears.

"What the hell just happened?"

"Barney's soul entered you scythe, you have completed your first mission,"

"Wow, what a thrill, can I kill Louis yet?"

"No,"

"What about the fat man?"

"No,"

"well what about you?"

"Hell no,"


	9. Stewie Quits

-1I can't believe it, I killed Barney the dinosaur, well I might have gotten help and stuff but I mean I did some of the work. It's been a week since my first mission and I can't believe how great it felt. Suddenly my trend of thoughts it interrupted by an external voice.

"Sssh, your going to wake her up," Says a guy in death robes to another guy dressed in ridiculous clothing.

"Hey, what the hell are you two doing?" I question them as I turn the off my mp3 player and jump off of the couch.

"Stewie, what are you doing up?" Questions one of them although I can't recognise who it is.

"I was listening to my 90s grunge collection,"

"Oh that's cool, just here to kill you mum," I basically let out a silent scream. My mother about to die, now I don't think so. I grab my laser gun and burn the two retards to death.

"No one, and I mean no one kills my mother, that is reserved for me so go suck a fucking cock, what ever that may be," I'm sure a cock is some kind of chicken, don't know why I hear about ladies wanting to suck cock, I mean it's still fucking alive if you want to suck a chicken, go ahead but I rather bite my cock thank you very much.

"Stewie, what are you doing up sweetie?" Says a very tired but sadly not dead Louis. The sight of her makes me vomit a little bit in my mouth and I can't believe I just let this vial creature live. Damn it, how I just saved your life, how I just let you live but now you owe me something and it will come in time, yes you owe me your life!!!

"Let mummy make you another bottle of warm milk,"

"Chocolate, not regular. I hate regular milk!!!" I scream at her as she picks me up.

"Mummy knows," She says in a loving tone that makes me feel sick to my stomach but also touches my heart. Her skin is soft, and her kisses feel like lightning bolts of strawberry smoothes. No… not even I know what that meant.

How I wish I was older, I got so jack off to my mother pouring chocolate milk formula into a bottle. In fact I would probably rape her at some point. Damn, I never realised till reading this chapter that this fanfic really sucks. I know I should have seen it before but this chapter really proves how lame this fanfic is. I mean the first chapter or second chapter were alright but then this death shit started. I mean I'm not even going to bother and act in it, I mean I'm going on a strike, this is fucking ridiculous, I mean it's like stupid and not in a stupid funny way, it's just stupid to the point you want to slice out your eye balls and pee on them.

I told my manager I wasn't going to be in these kind of fanfics, I mean the author of this fic should be shot dead, I mean I can handle the whole liking Louis thing and a little bit of that whole death crap but I can not handle lame jokes about me jacking off and boring storylines where I kill Barney. I mean this story doesn't even include shit about Peter, Meg and Chris and other bastards of this wretched town. I fucking quit man, I know I said I was going to stick through with this story, but I fucking quit… I'm going to go sit around a circle and licking barney the dinosaur's pussy.


	10. Time to save the world by killing

-1So they have had there wretched ways, I am back in this stupid fic that is filled with stupid cut off gags. I hate things that have no jokes that aren't related to a story line and are randomly put in there like interchangeable laws about having sex. Only a guy can rape, if a chick does it then it must be sexual assault. Like American Dad, dam that show pisses me off and I think the only thing that could be worse is a show about a little demonic baby bent on killing his mother, a father that is fat with a small brain, a typical unpopular teen and a fat son that still has no brains and a talking dog. That would be super pooh poohs or what ever my infant tongue is suppose to call shit.

"What are you doing?" Brian questions me as I watch T.V.

"Thinking about how I have been forced back into this crappy fan fic,"

"What are you talking about?"

"you just don't understand," I scream at him who looks bewildered.

"I don't care much about understand babies anyways, I just want to tell you got another assassination uhhh I mean mission,"

"It better not be Franz Ferdinand again, I mean world war one could have been so avoided till at least 1915 if the black hand were allowed to have a wank,"

"I don't care much about world war one, world war two was the good war. World war 1 sucked, I mean how can you have a war without concentration camps and killing the stupid Jews. Anyways you have to assassinate George Bush, he is going to start world war 3,"

"Awh fuck yeah!!!" I scream.

"Wait I thought the war on terrorism was a way to stop world war 3,"

"Do you really believe in all the propaganda the media feed you? God damn stupid Americans, stop watching fox news already." Stupid dog, I go to my room and get my robes along with my scythe.

"Wait Brian how do I get to Washington D.C,"

"Tap your heels 3 times and saying Washington D.C," I do as he says and he cracks up laughing when I'm still there.

"Alright very funny, Jack ass,"

"here's a plane ticket, man that was priceless," He says as he walks away and I activate my clone and walk out of the house. Wait… these aren't first class tickets, God damn it. My plane leaves a minute after I get on it.

"Wow, this isn't that bad, even though there isn't any hot chicks,"

"Hey Stewie," I looked shocked as Olivia takes a seat next to me.

"what are you doing here Olivia?"

"didn't your dog tell you? I'm your partner."

"no the dog didn't mention anything about a partner. He fails to inform me on the important things of life, he hasn't even told me when those Starbuck owners have no penises and why it's wrong to tell poor people in India is wrong, man I have never been to a place as crap as Indian. I mean they got like hundreds of fucking cows, stop being pussies and have some beef if your starving you stupid fucks."

"I know what you mean, in World War 2 they have concentration camps for jews, now they need it for Indians,"

"oh haha metallicanirvana, mentioning the concentration camps twice in the same story, god damn it why don't you stop trying to write fan fics and get a job. Jesus Christ, repetition is lame and I hate authors that do that, you know what metallicanirvana you should kill yourself, you know the only reason you write this fics is cause you're a stupid Indian that has no friends. I mean who in this world has enough time to write fics that has friends, even one you fat curry muncher,"

"What are you talking about Stewie?"

"How much I hate this fic and the author,"

"Right… are you like uhhh insane or something?"

"No, and I don't need a partner,"

"Whether you want one or not, you got one,"

"Well I always thought of being like starsky and hutch," I mean I watched the movie with Ben stiller and Owen Willson and jacked off a couple of times, I mean Ben Stiller's blue eyes and dark black hair. Awh haha, god damn lame author, I'm not GAY!!!!! Although I have to admit I do like the guys in the steel mill.

"Well ready to hear the plan?"

"I just planned to walk into the white house and kill the president,"

"That is so stupid, the government has the place protected idiot,"

"but it's the USA government,"

_What is the plan? Will the author get better at write fics? Will Stewie put his differences with Olivia aside to kill George Bush or will World War 3 start? All this and more(but not much more) on the next chapter of a really lame fan fic. I'm going to take a curry break._


	11. The tea party

-1"Fine, I always wanted to be apart of a Starsky and Hutch team, I mean I seen that 2003 movie with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson,"

"You know me and you being a team could be cool, we could be like Bonnie and Clyde in the early 1900s,"

"_Hey Bonnie, what are you doing?"_

"_Doing weed what does it look like?"_

"_Well fuck you bitch,"_

"_don't you call me a bitch you asshole, your criminal record doesn't even let us go into the mall anymore, do you know we are the only people in 1930s without a D.V.D player, so instead of sucking cock get a fucking job!!"_

Well maybe we could be like Sid and Nancy….

"_I want sex,"_

"_Your in new york, I can't give you sex…"_

"_But my heroin is running dry and I want sex!!"_

"_I can't give you sex in an email or something, I mean come on be logical, that war in Iraq is totally pointless,"_

"_Of cause it is, I mean we might be in the 70s and stuff but we know our shit,"_

_Later that night._

"_I'm so high,"_

"_Me, too!!"_

Well, uhh personally I love Sid Vicious, there isn't anything cooler than his bad boy attitude, his is an idol to me you know. Much better than Hitler!

"_Hey you already done a cut off gag with me in it,"_

"_Calm down Hitler, can't we just have sex and show them that maybe Stewie and Olivia can be like us,"_

"_But Satan honey, Olivia isn't a man,"_

"_Dude get with the fucking program, it's the 21st century…if they can make Barbra Streisand look human they can make a chick have a penis instead of bleeding out her cutch every 28 days."_

"Well we are here, time to kill Bush," Olivia says eagerly getting off of the plane.

"You know I been thinking that the election for the next president is happening now and that nigger or fat assed chick might win so I don't know if this is such a good idea."

"look the elders know what they are talking about,"

"The elders?"

"God damn don't you know anything about death?"

"I know that suicide is fun,"

"Right, well you got a plan or something?"

"I had one, we were going to be the Canadian prime mister and her lady but screw it Stewie, it's only the god dam white house. All we go in and slash him with a scythe."

"I like the sound of that, please let me do it."

"alright, alright." We walked to the white house and smash a window.

"Who are you? Some new Bonnie and Clyde?" President Bush says.

"You know it's funny I was thinking the same thing, but I think I like the Sid and Nancy one the best."

"Yeah that would be sweet,"

"Right you are bush, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you know."

"Really? I was just thinking of how to solve my Middle Eastern problems. We could all have a big… tea party,"

"Oh won't that be swell Olivia, can I bring my Rupert?"

"Stewie, we have to do our job, it's an important one and the elders would be pissed if we didn't do it?"

"Elders?" Bush ask.

"Oh yeah, we are like grim reapers, sort of anyways."

"Yeah our mission was too kill you, isn't it funny?"

"Oh yeah, the funny thing was I was going to blow my brains out next Tuesday."

"Oh but you couldn't have a tea party then,"

"Wow short guy, you are really smart. What was I thinking? I can't blow my brains out before the tea party."

"Short guy, fuck you Bush." I say as I slash his head with my scythe.

"Ok, we got to get out of here."

"Wait, one last thing." I tell Olivia as I pull down my pants and pee all over his face.

"Tea party that son of a bitch and don't call me short." We ran, soon we were on a plane back to Quahog.

"That was rather easy,"

"Yeah I know what you mean Olivia."

"I was expecting at least to kill a guard or something or alarms to go of when we smashed the windows."

"So was I, but I realised something. We live in the U.S.A and we are really cheap."

A/N: That was pretty much just rushed so I could finish this whole boring Bush thing. Personally I don't like republicans but I think Bush was ok… I mean forget about the whole mess he caused, he tried his best to clean it up even if he invaded the wrong country first but come on, he tried his best…


	12. Killing the evil monkey

Well this is rather strange, I have a Saturday morning with nothing to do

Well this is rather strange, I have a Saturday morning with nothing to do. I must be becoming a true American now.

"Hey family, I just heard Bush is dead." My father said excited and Brian had a grin on his face.

"I don't care daddy, what about me?" Meg said.

"Since when do you hear a teenager call a parent daddy?" Peter replied.

"I wish they would have killed the evil monkey in the closet." I am so sick of Chris talking about an evil monkey in his closet.

"Wait right here," I say jumping off of my high chair and running into Chris's room. I open the closet door and slash the monkey with my scythe. I know I'm all for modern weapons but you got to admit this scythe is pretty cool.

"It's dead." No one was paying attention, they were all busy watching T.V.

"Stewie!!" Brian said annoyed.

"What?"

"You are abusing your power."

"Shut up dog, don't make me kill you too." I say with a smirk. My gosh this reminds me of that time I told Snoopy to shut up.

"_Hey snoopy shut up or I'll kill you."_

Well that was a rather dull and short flash back. I mean if the author was getting paid he wouldn't be paid much. He sucks just as bad as that dude that made friends. We get it, Jennifer's hot but what can I do about it? I'm not even two and I'll be damn if I can get an erection and I doubt Ross can get one either. ZING!

"Peter, you promised you were going to take Stewie to the park."

"I promise a lot of things, that makes me a good father."

"Well keeping those promises would make you a good father fat man." I tell him.

"Not that will make me a great father and I'm not fat. I just like eating and stuff…" Pathetic, my father's ass is so big it's like got it's own gravitational pull.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Peter asks Meg who was flying around his ass.

"I can't resist your ass's gravitational pull." I think the author went to far with that incest part right there but who the fuck cares. Meg is on his penis and it's erect and she is about to have an abortion now.


	13. New Mission

I find my power slowly turning useless

I find my power slowly turning useless. I am called for a mission rarely and as I continue to build rage against my mother I can't kill her yet.

"Hey Brian, did you see what I did? I was like no way I can't do it but then I totally did it." I say with a smirk.

"No, look Stewie… I know the past few months have been harsh for you, being a soul reaper and all…"

"Harsh? No way man, I have been having the most fun I think I have ever had."

"Well, your truly soulless then, anyways I was just going to say that you should expect too much. I mean your wanting a death every day or so, sometimes you must wait days, weeks, months and even years."

"Oh that sucks, what do we do to pass time?" I question him.

"Meh, your second birthday party is coming up, you got a guess list?"

"Oh… nah not really, I been busy working on my fighting techniques. I know Olivia will be there, and probably Chris, Meg… well I'll write her an invitation and shove it up my ass to prevent her having any chance. You know I have actually started to like the fat man recently." I say with a smirk.

"You so have a crush on Olivia."

"Why would you say that? She is a repulsive beast. I wonder if the valence shell electron repulsion theory had to deal with this much shit."

"_Hey, Hey buddy, listen me and Andy are like both lone pair so our repulsion is the strongest."_

"_You listen to me punk, my bond pair to bond pair relationship with Mike totally is better than yours."_

"_Look, its basic chemistry, I am better than you… repulsion wise." They end up fighting and the big bang occurs because of that. The lone pair electrons were assigned as God, the bond pair as Satan and they all lived happily afterwards, except for Andy who got Aids a week after it existed._

"Ok… just so you know, that is so wrong in many ways. Look, I know you and Olivia have been getting close together."

"I'm a god damn baby, sometimes my penis is inside of me…" I say annoyed. I have no idea how guys can find girls attractive. I am attracted to nuclear war, death and hello kitty. Awh it's so cute.

"Stewie, Stewie…" Olivia randomly came running into the living room.

"What's going on?" I ask, she looked frantic.

"We have a new mission… Osama Bin Laden…."


	14. Things have been bad for Osama

"Wow Afghanistan is a shit hole, it looks like east Denver

"Wow Afghanistan is a shit hole, it looks like east Denver." I say getting off the plane. Brian and Olivia came with me because they thought I needed help killing Osama.

"Ok, where should we look for Osama?" Olivia asked.

"I dunno, maybe that cave there that says Osama lives here." I say.

"Oh yeah," Olivia said as we start walking towards the cave. There we see Osama curled up in a ball and crying.

"Are you okay little fella?" Brian asked.

"No, everyone hates me." Osama said snivelling.

"Don't cry, look people never liked me before. That was mainly when I shaved my head, lost my children, got addicted to heroin, gained weight and performed badly on MTV. South Park even parodied my life…" Olivia says sadly.

"Woah that sucks dude, seriously." Osama said but he didn't stop crying.

"I want to kill myself," Osama said.

"No Osama don't, you see… the world needs you. Without you news channels would report on the truth instead of lies about you and American people wouldn't be scared to live their lives outside of their homes. You will always been remembered in America as the guy that did 9/11." I say.

"The American people are so nice… I remember just before bush died…

"_Hey Osama, how's it going?" Bush asked over the phone._

"_It's alright, I'm like hiding in a cave now because of 9/11."_

"_Oh yeah, good times eh?" _

"_Yeah... anyways how are things over there?"_

"_Well I was watching FOX news last night and it seems like everyone has forgotten about you. Apparently reporting on Britney Spear's is more entertaining."_

"_Yeah such a shame, I mean that break the ice song isn't that bad. She kind of had all this pressure and still was able to make a good song."_

"_Yeah, well I was thinking that we should all get together for a tea party later this week. I even got a band playing, they kind of suck and are called Soviet Union. It's actually the old Soviet Union members, they kind of needed a new job so they tried country death metal."_

"_Oh I'm sorry, I kind of don't have anymore money… spent it all on hoes." Osama says shamelessly into the phone._

"_Osama what did I say about having hookers. I mean you have 17 wives…"_

"_Yeah I know, but something about a chick with only having her eyes showing turns me on. I made love to this chick last night that had the smallest, cutest eye holes."_

"_Oh man, I think I need to jack off."_

"_You and your white people love beating the snake don't you?"_

That was the good old days but now that Bush is dead I don't have a friend in the world."

"It's okay little guy, we will be your friend." Olivia says.

"Yay, and will you cover your face so I can fuck you? I always wanted to be a paedophile." I swing my scythe and watch as his head disconnects from his body.

"Stewie… why did you do that?" Olivia asked

"Yeah man, I liked my body… I know it was thin and all but I tried to gain some muscle with weights… Man 1 kg is heavy on a bar" Osama says before he dies.

"He said he wanted to fuck you." I say in my defence.

"And why does that bother you?"

"It doesn't…" I say. Olivia rolls her eyes and walks out of the cave.

"You love her don't you?" Brian asked.

"No flea bag, shut your mouth…" I say walking out of the cave. I don't love Olivia, how could you love such a hideous beast. The way her blonde hair lingers in the wind, how her oceanic blue eyes reflect the sun better than the moon and how her farts smells like Hobo piss. I am… falling in love. Well I mean it won't I'm old enough to have an erection.


	15. Home comming Queen

I couldn't help but think about what Brian said, I was very quiet on the ride back home. Why did I kill Osama? I mean he's like a total bitch, almost like Lindsay Lohan after her drug rehab…. Oh I was expecting a cut-off scene or something… no, not even a random flash back? Your just going to make me think about this aren't you?

"Hey, you're not upset that Osama is dead or something, are you?" I ask, Olivia in particular but Brian was also sitting with us. God damn airlines, why don't they serve proper food? What's up with that? I was going to use that joke on the way back but puns are lame, they just aren't cool man. Everything awesome is in metaphors.

I don't get it, what the hell is wrong with my brain right now? I'm just thinking really random thoughts and none of this make sense to me. Nothing makes sense at all anymore. Great, Stewie Griffin reduced to manic depressive affixations.

"That was our objective, don't forget you are a soul reaper," Brian says.

"I know, I always thought I would enjoy killing, but apparently I only have dreams of killing my mother… which I can't even though, this is bullshit!" I scream.

"Your weird Stewie," Olivia says as the plane lands. Good, old American soil… USA, USA, USA!!!!

"And your not? God damn it woman, shake a leg and get some breasts? I'm staring at the Himalayas except they are flat!!! FLAT!!!" She had enough, she grabbed her stuff and got off the plane in a rush.

"Awh come on, I was only joking…. You have quiet nice breasts," She slapped me and that was it… she disappeared with the crowd of people that just returned from that camel of a country. Yeah, even racist puns suck.

I don't get it, I know me and Olivia haven't always gotten along but she has never done that, she has never completely deserted me. Slapped me, who the fuck does she thing she is? No one slaps Stewart Griffin. NO ONE!

"I don't get it Brian, why am I saying such absurd things all of a sudden? I never had this problem before." I say Brian calls for a cab. Quahog, not exactly a place I want to go back to right now.

"Well, your getting older now… some guys, well they act a little crazy around chicks they like… look what Hitler did trying to impress Jewish chicks."

"_AH… AH bitch suck my dictator… yeah, you like? You like my fascism all over your face? Yeah, you like it don't you?"_

"_Ewww, get away from me…" The hot Jewish girl starts running, although escape is impossible in a totalitarian state. She quickly gets caught by the Gestapo._

"_Send her to the concentration camp, not the ones in Poland but the one I set up in my basement, you know… the camp where we teach young Jewish woman how to concentrate on sucking and fucking," He gives his fellow men an evil German laugh, and they all start laughing. The girl then finds the joke funny and starts laughing._

"_Who named those stupid things concentration camps anyways?" _

"_It was Goebbels, he is such a loon sometimes," _

What kind of stupid flashback was that? I'm appalled, this is the first chapter I have been paid to do in so many months and this is the shit you come up with? I know you haven't had much money for sets and special effects due to the recession but did you sell out completely? Creativity can't be brought, your just becoming tired and gay… like the Simpsons.

Yeah I said it, the Simpsons are gay now… I mean you have dominated the airwaves for so long, don't you know when its time to call it quits and just go home. No one cares about your shit anymore, its stale…

"Awh my sweet little guy," Mum says as she runs towards me and gives me a massive kiss on the cheek. Wait? Did I just call her mum… its Lois… not mum…

"I missed you mummy," Those were the words that came out of my mouth but I couldn't even believe I said.

"I missed you too sweetie," The vile woman said.

"No, no… that is not what I meant, I meant… get the fuck off me… I'm going to my room, if anyone needs me that's where I'll be… it's the 1st room on the right up the stairs, just making sure everyone knows it…okay, now I'm gone…" I say furiously making my way up the stairs.

My room, a horrid place I hadn't seen in so long. I might as well get used to it, I have a feeling that as I'm growing up I might have to spend more time in here. Not that my parents are smart enough to discipline me, but because I don't really have a connection to anyone in this family. Brian is the only one I like in this god forsaken shit hole but he is also just a stupid dog. What's next? A dystopian, bleak view of the world?

This is the end of the chapter and I would just like to take sometime to congratulate you for reading up to chapter 15 of my adventures. I know some of my life is pretty random and that some of it is completely stupid but I would like to remind you all that you owe me $10 for every chapter you have read so far. Uhh it actually was in the fine print of the first chapter, I don't know if you read it or not but yeah, I'm sorry but we are going to order that money, don't make us file law suits. Yeah… recession sucks, get over it…

A/N: In case if you are actually starting to put $10 into an envelope, well that was a joke… but it couldn't hurt to give me $10 anyways… right? :p


	16. Breakdown and peanut butter jelly time

A loud annoying whine was shattering the silence in my room. I just needed some time to think about a few things, I am going through that period in life where your confused about what is happening in your life. Usually happens after you spend to much time with a chick and sacrifice your soul for her. Uhh ueah… I didn't do that. Well what the fuck is that noise? I walk across the hallway and open Meg's door to see my sister crying in her bedroom, I would love to leave her there but I don't.

"Hey Meg, what's the matter?" I ask.

"It's my boyfriend Steve… he broke up with me."

"HAHA shame bitch," I say slapping her in the face and running off. I walk into my own bedroom.

"Stewie, listen… this might not be a good time to tell you but the soul reapers have ordered that you take a vacation."

"It doesn't matter, I am done with this death stuff man, I am quitting, just like the werewolf off of New moon…"

"_Don't do this to me Beth!"_

"_I'm sorry Jacob, but you have dog breath…"_

"_No shit, I'm a werewolf… but look into your heart baby, I love you…"_

"_Yeah but I want to fuck Edward, he has his own car… and what do you have? Your only 16…"_

"_You think he loves you? He like totally bailed on you a few months ago and I'm sure he isn't that big, Vampires usually have really small penises, I mean why else do they like the dark so much? It hides their secret shame."_

Wow that actually started with a quote from the movie, the author must really have no life to see that boring movie. This is just great, first the bitch walks out on me and then I'm laid off, god this day is turning out to be as bad as that new moon movie. Oh… no second cut off gag? I was just making sure even knows that new moon is the most horrible piece of shit I have ever seen. I mean if your going to turn a book into a movie, do it right!

"Look, I know things are going bad for you now but if you need any help or anything at all, I am always there for you." Brian said as he walked out of the room. Well that's always good to know, the dog has my back. Man's best friend indeed, the only problem with Brian, as with most pets, is that he is completely useless at everything. He has never been able to complete anything if you ignore that novel he some how wrote. It became a best seller too. The only thing that sold out more than his books were the twilight movies, yeah… I'm just making sure you know. So what if I'm repeating myself. Most good things in life are enjoyed after multiple consummations.

"_Oh yeah… damn it… it feels so good baby," The woman said as he boyfriend tickled her cherry._

"_Well… its not that great, I mean I have done this so many times… its just so big now, I mean your vagina… jesus Christ… we can fit an aeroplane through that."_

"_Too be honest, I just don't feel you anymore, I mean… have you gotten smaller?"_

"_Well I have been smoking a bit of meth lately…"_

"_Oh… well this still beats not having sex…"_

What a horrible way to end a chapter, I mean that cut off gag wasn't even funny, this fic is now really pushing for reviews.


	17. Just a baby at a bar with a dog

So here I am. It's only been a week, and they tried to put some filler of Peter becoming a cop into my story. What's worse is Olivia is still mad and I hope everyone is ignoring that I burnt her down in my old home when I found out she's was cheating on me.

"Hey Stewie, I think you had enough" Brian said as he approached me at the bar.

"Oh this is coming from the alcoholic, college drop out that went back to fail and ended up being turned into a house pet for the remainder of his life."

"Fine, so whose leg you gotta hump for a martini?" Brian asked the bartender.

"Does it matter, you're so sexual inadequate from years of binge drinking the only thing you gonna hump tonight is your failed hopes and dreams." I say with a smirk, taking another shot.

"Get me another shot, you know what... just leave the bottle here." I say.

"Jesus Christ, you are one of the greatest soul reapers of our time and you're just wasting your time drinking shots of pure milk in some dirty bar, full of hairy, fat men that are sexually frustrated enough to let a baby in the bar."

"Man, you don't know me. Soul reaper? What the fuck is that anyways?"

"Refer to the earlier chapters of this fanfic if you don't know what that is Stewie. Look, you realize the author wanted to kill you off a chapter ago because all you do is moan and bitch these days." Brian says.

"Well, your penis goes inside when you stand." I say.

"Listen, if you want Olivia back and if you want to keep your job, then pull yourself together. Otherwise, our friendship is over." Brian says as he quickly downs his martini and leaves.

"You know what? Fuck you! How about that?" I say as I stand up, barely able to walk and stumbling over the bar. The milk shots really had me dancing around, I started to do the Ali shuffle and punching the air before I tried to do the rope a dope.

"What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way! "

"Listen guy, you can't just go around doing Muhammad Ali and Tony Montana unless if you got the legitimate authorization to do so. We take that stuff very seriously in this fanfic and just imagine what Seth MacFarlane will say if he saw you using his show to mock the greatest people to ever exist, you fucking cockroach!". Some random bisexual guy said as he started reproducing asexually. Yeah, I'm gonna leave that one up to the imaginations.

"What are you on about? We do this all the time!"

"Yeah but you can mock lame shit like dragon ball GT, but never dragon ball and dragon ball Z. You can mock Jaja Blinks, but never Darth Vader. You can mock the r35 and r31 skyline, but none of the other models. Most importantly, you can never mock Eminem! He is god!"

"Oh really, I can't mock a mentally unstable genius? That's sorta like saying Van Goff cutting of his ear for a prostitute was perfectly sane. I mean, all Eminem does these days is scream meaningful lyrics. That's not rap, that's rock music. Rap's supposed to be about smashing bitches up and killing niggers and calling niggers, niggas." I had run my mouth too far, two guys came up with baseballs and after one hit I don't recall anything else about that night. In fact I'm still in this sort of coma like state... I might be dead actually.

You know what's weird, where did they get the baseball bats? I mean I avoid sports bars because they are filled with horny men touching each other and expressing their deepest emotions, instead I enjoy gay bars.


	18. You have ruined my childhood

"Wake up! Wake up!" I hear Lois. I hate that vile women, since it was my expulsion from her uterus that transported me to this ghastly world. I was happier swimming around in the fat man's testicles, back in the days when Rupert had those hard rock abs you can grind cheese on.

"Lois, I don't think you can wake up someone from a coma by screaming wake up at them." The fat man says.

"Sure they can dad, don't you remember the story of snow white and the huntsmen." Chris said.

_"Hey it's Bella!" Thor says._

_"Oh my God! Thor! Get it you're a God and I said oh my, oh never mind our writer is terrible so where's your hammer?" Bella asked._

_"Well, funny story... I traded it for this axe. It's not as useful. I can't really use it on nails when building, but it has a nice grip you know, like the rubber it's really smooth on the pores of my skin."_

_"I know, he looked there's 8 dwarfs... oh wait one died. So I'm Snow white and I am surrounded by 6 dwarfs because I gave one cyanide since you should be able to just make up fake characters and kill them whenever you. My orgy group also includes some faggot archer kid trying to get into my pants and a huntsmen that is secretly banging me behind the scenes. I miss Edward." Bella says as a fist suddenly appears out of no where. Oh no! Wild fist knocked out Bella._

_"Thor, why you do that?" Asked one of the dwarfs, a dwarf named simpleton. Simpletons are also responsible for the making of this movie. They are everywhere these days, from Jersey Shore to youtube users that post about how much they hate/like Justin Bieber and how that has some sort of relevance to a video about pig fetuses being drained of their fetal juices and fed to the next generation so they can spend their lives a slave to the technological prison that exists within the 21st Century._

_"She can't act... I mean, she can't even smile. I can't believe the almighty Thor has to endure this. My people are not sell outs, we are a proud race of warriors and we will fight till the movie industry is no longer filled of talentless whores."_

_"Excuse me sire, you are quiet out of line. Also, look at her. If this slut was on all fours, bare naked and all you had to do was give her a role in your movie, wouldn't you have done the same thing?"_

_"Are you kidding me? I seen her all two emotions and three expressions in her films. I would have more lively sex if I dug up a rotting corpse from the darkest graveyard in all the planet."_

_"But would they be as hot?" Gus asked being happy and dead. You would be happy to die if you had to stand next to Bella as she "acted"."_

_"Wasn't this flashback about Snow white being in a coma?" One of the dwarfs asked._

_"Oh right, wake up, wake up." Thor said._

_"Let me try, I'll just give her a kiss and cry on her, that usually works." William said but he failed at awaking her. _

_"Wake up bitch, I love you and shit. I jack off to you and not my wife anymore so like, wake and give me a blow job." Snow White wakes up._

"HEY! Stop it, you're ruining my childhood!" I screamed.

"Oh please, you never played pokemon red or watched Aladdin and lion king, you never had a childhood." Meg says.

"Meg... no body played pokemon red, all the cool kids had pokemon blue or yellow. Are you like still a virgin?" Chris asked.

"That's not the point knuckle head, I'm trying to make a valid point about how children these days are exposed to crap compared to the good old days."

"Shut up Meg, you're ugly and are going to die alone." The fat man says.

"As much as I love to point and laugh at the obese pig who aging ovaries will soon be extinct along with the rest of her kind. It's good that species of Meg will soon be dead like Lois. I loved her and you all made it into a Shakespearean play." I said.

"uhh, Stewie, you might want to calm down. You're waking up from a coma. Also Lois isn't dead. In fact, she married Superman in an english manga. The anime is still being produced." Brian said.

"Waking up from a coma? What the deuce? Also, I was referring to Lois and Clark the explorers."

"That's Lewis. See, this is what I was trying to say about children these days." Meg says.

"Dad, can I kill her and feed her to child rapist's and their dogs?" Chris asked.

"Honey, don't be so mean to child rapist and their animals. You don't know how hard it is to be raised catholic." Lois said.

"Okay back to the plot, although with family guy that's near impossible. What happened? Why am I in a hospital bed?"

"Not sure, you disappeared for a week. Me and mommy (mummy) were really worried about all of a sudden we got fedexed a body bag and there you were inside of it." The fat man said.

"Did you check the address it was sent from?" I asked.

"No, I just cleaned it up and mailed it back. It was kind of those people to mail you to us, I can't imagine what would have happened if you were missing and ended up in Uganda."

"NO! FAT MAN NO! No cut off gag about Kony, the only good thinking that could come from that is me living my dream of killing you and Lois. You're telling me you cleaned up the body bag and sent it back to the thugs that beat me up?" I asked.

"Well it was stained with your blood, you didn't want us to send it back dirty did you. That wouldn't be very nice." My apparently loving father said.

"Not very nice? They put me in that bag after beating me to an inch of my life." I screamed.

"Yeah but we didn't have to pay for babysitting fees. It's the least we could do, you know we been going through some hard times and in this economy..." I had to cut the oaf off.

"In this economy I could have nearly fucking died!"

"Yeah, but you didn't and it was nice of them to send you back beating you only to an inch of your life, rather than a millimeter." Lois injected with her gingerness.

How in the world am I related to these people.


End file.
